“For once I don’t want to be the strong one or the one who adjusts to accommodate others or the one who suppresses her feelings only to take care of others. For once I want to be carefree and conquer the weakness of being so sensitive, fight with the endless thoughts, the heaviness on my shoulders and chest. Being strong is tiring and you never realise how fragile you have become until you sit alone in the middle of the night, staring at the walls.”
I read these lines somewhere and I resonated so much. The words made me feel seen for once.
‘You’re so resilient’
‘You’re so mature for your age’
I have heard them all, all my life.
When I was growing up, I was always asked to “be strong”. For the longest time, I thought that is the only option I have and that I cannot be “weak” or “vulnerable”. I first recognised this pattern with my therapist, when she told me that “you’re so used to being strong that you don’t know what vulnerability feels like.” and that hit me hard. I took pride in being called strong when I was growing up and now, I hate it. I hate when people expect me to be strong when all I want is to cry, be vulnerable and for someone to be there for me.
Sometimes a person doesn’t want to be strong, they want to be weak and to be held. They need your support, to be seen and heard. Asking them to be strong makes them feel even more isolated and lonely in their journey.
Here are some alternatives instead of asking them to be strong:
– ‘I can see how hard you’re working to carry everything. It’s ok if you don’t want to deal with it right now.’
– ‘It must be hard to feel like you’re the strong one all the time. It’s okay to put your baggage down for a while.’
– ‘You’re always supporting others, I want to be here for you. Let me know how I can support you?’
– ‘You’re allowed to be vulnerable and cry. You don’t have to put on a brave face right now.’
– ‘I am here for you whenever you need me.’
Remember, when someone is going through a hard time, sometimes all they need is to be supported and heard. Using statements like ‘be strong’, ‘be a man’, or ‘stop crying about it all the time’’ doesn’t help them, instead makes them feel like their emotions are not valid. So let’s try not to invalidate them, instead be there for them however they like to be supported.
